The hottest topic on the internet today has been Aziz Ansari’s hotly contested comment regarding his impending take-over of The Transporter franchise. Below is a quote from Aziz’s blog during a Boston Globe interview:
Q. So we won’t see you 10 years from now accepting an Oscar for your work in a war film?
A. No. But I could see myself becoming a straight-up action star like Jason Statham. I just want to put that out there for whoever makes those movies: I’m down to take over the “Transporter” franchise.
This tickled our friend Jayfan over at the Statham Fan blog in all the wrong ways:
Dream on, Aziz! As if! Jason’s the only actor who could keep the ‘Transporter’ series going. He’s the only one who can play Frank.
Well, considering I am the internet’s most revered Statham critic as well has a big Aziz fan I figured I should weigh in on this dramatic affair. I think it is the greatest idea ever, and thus I bring you…
AZIZOLOGY
I’ve seen the future, and the future is Aziz. The future (ie: Aziz) has gotten in touch with me and said “hey man, you should chronicle my legacy”. I responded to the future (still aziz) saying “Awesome, I love Human Giant!”. The future was like “No man, not that shit, I’m talking about after I took over the Transporter franchise.”
This… is… that… legacy…
TRANSPORTER 4
In Transporter 4 Aziz plays the role of Frank Martin Jr. the illegitimate love child from Frank Martin Sr.’s one foray into heterosexuality (which he didn’t enjoy in the end, he’s just not that into girls!). Frank Martin Jr. is a pizza delivery man in a college town, trying to pay tuition while working towards his bachelors degree in marketing. Frank is on an average delivery, travelling down the sidewalk on his Heelys towards a residence on campus when a pair of angry teenagers in Nirvana t-shirts trip him up and steel the pizza. Knowing the rules his father taught him during their brief Saurday afternoon meetup they spent awkwardly back a few years ago, he knows the deal is the deal and he must make sure that pizza arrives safely at its destination. The movie culminates in an incredibly choreographed action sequence (choreographed by Aziz himself, trivia!) with Aziz using his Heelys to his advantage to zip zap and zoop around his foes, and in the end save the pizza. He delivers the pizza to residence. It turns out it is for a bunch of dudes playing xbox and they invite him in to play. Its a pretty sweet deal.
THE BROWN JOB
The Brown Job is a fun heist movie the entire family can enjoy! Aziz plays the most self satisfying role of his career as Handsome Aziz. Him and a group of unexpected experts in their respective fields intend to heist an entire crop of parsnips from a kind gentle old farmer down the street. But they can’t just walk right in and take the parsnips. Handsome Aziz plays the dirt specialist who always has a clever comment regarding his indian heritage. The jokes, while poking fun at many racial stereotypes, are well maintained within a level of classiness that has become expected of Aziz (in the future). Everything with the heist goes wrong, all of Aziz’s friends and family are shot dead execution style in front of him by a band of rogue misfits (trust me, it makes more sense in the movie). The twist in the end is that Aziz used his clever dirt manipulation skills to disguise the families of those in the band of rogue misfits (that is actually their name, they are actually pretty militant in style and don’t mess around) as his own family. In the end the loot is Aziz’s. He blogs about it.
CELLULAR 2: UNLIMITED TEXT PLAN
This one is pretty much just Aziz texting his brother and his cousin for about 3 hours and 40 minutes. It has its moments, such as when Aziz’s brother texts him to tell him to log on xbox live to check his gamerscore, but Aziz responds “can’t right now, making a movie”. There is a moment of suspense when his reception goes down to one bar, and then again when his battery gets low. I don’t want to spoil the future for you, but this movie won awards. We are talking like Titanic awards.
CRANK 3: HEART OF GOLD
In Crank 3, Aziz takes over the role of Chev Chelios. At the end of Crank 2 as we all know, Chev Chelios gets zapped one too many times and the high voltage ends up shrinking his body and changing the hue of his skin tone. It looks like he is dead, but guess what, he wasn’t! In fact the Singapoean mafia found him right after he didn’t die and needed to hide a giant brick of gold to avoid taxes (in the future, the only mafia is Singaporean and they are relatively crime free except for a bit of tax evasion here and there. Oh and they downloaded season 3 of Friends off a bit torrent site once. But they liked it enough that they bought it on DVD). The mafia replaces Chev Chelios’ zapped electric heart with the brick of gold. Chev quickly realizes that in order to live he has to make sure the monetary value of gold continues to rise, because if it goes down he will quickly deteriorate. Chev gets a job on wall street and he is pretty good at it, but he gets money greedy. When he realizes he can make a lot more money investing in non-gold ventures his heart begins to weaken. But he got too greedy that he cares more about the money than his own health and well being. He dies in the end… or does he!!! Oh, did I mention that he kicks the shit out of EVERYONE on the trading floor? Because he does. One scene with a stock ticker is especially enjoyable as he uses the ticker to not only choke his sworn enemies (also his co-workers) but to also paper maché himself unconventional weapons, like a paper maché toilet seat, and a paper maché electric guitar. This movie rocks. (…that was the slogan on the poster too)
IN THE NAME OF THE INTERNET: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
Aziz is tasked with defending the entire internet from a rising force of undead bloggers. This movie is set in the past (ie: the present!) and Aziz plays a 2009 character to the best of his abilities, which is difficult, but most agree he does OK with it. The nuances of 2009 are hard for any actor to nail down, but it was generally regarded to be the best rendition of the past anyone has done in the present (ie: the future). The bloggers are trying to keep Aziz from getting on the internet. I realize this doesn’t make sense in the present (ie: now) but in the future it does. Trust me. Aziz uses emails and javascripts to fight off the zombies. Again, that doesn’t make sense, but in the future email and javascripts have become actual physical objects, although rarely considered to be a weapon. Aziz uses them as a weapon… in the name of the internet!
DEATH RACIST
In the future there are no race cars, however there are races. Professionals who partake in races are referred to as Racists. They speed around tracks in a race of racists to determine who is the raciest. It partakes in a prison and is a modern adaptation (future adaptation) of an old classic. The raciest racist in prison is promised their freedom in a race to the death. You can guess who is the raciest. This one was actually kind of a flop.
So there you have it. The greatest works of the future have been chronicled for you, the reader. The future is Aziz. This is Azizology.