The hottest topic on the internet today has been Aziz Ansari’s hotly contested comment regarding his impending take-over of The Transporter franchise.  Below is a quote from Aziz’s blog during a Boston Globe interview:

Q. So we won’t see you 10 years from now accepting an Oscar for your work in a war film?

A. No. But I could see myself becoming a straight-up action star like Jason Statham. I just want to put that out there for whoever makes those movies: I’m down to take over the “Transporter” franchise.

This tickled our friend Jayfan over at the Statham Fan blog in all the wrong ways:

Dream on, Aziz! As if! Jason’s the only actor who could keep the ‘Transporter’ series going. He’s the only one who can play Frank.

Well, considering I am the internet’s most revered Statham critic as well has a big Aziz fan I figured I should weigh in on this dramatic affair.  I think it is the greatest idea ever, and thus I bring you…

AZIZOLOGY

I’ve seen the future, and the future is Aziz. The future (ie: Aziz) has gotten in touch with me and said “hey man, you should chronicle my legacy”.  I responded to the future (still aziz) saying “Awesome, I love Human Giant!”. The future was like “No man, not that shit, I’m talking about after I took over the Transporter franchise.”

This… is… that… legacy…

TRANSPORTER 4

In Transporter 4 Aziz plays the role of Frank Martin Jr. the illegitimate love child from Frank Martin Sr.’s one foray into heterosexuality (which he didn’t enjoy in the end, he’s just not that into girls!).  Frank Martin Jr. is a pizza delivery man in a college town, trying to pay tuition while working towards his bachelors degree in marketing.  Frank is on an average delivery, travelling down the sidewalk on his Heelys towards a residence on campus when a pair of angry teenagers in Nirvana t-shirts trip him up and steel the pizza.  Knowing the rules his father taught him during their brief Saurday afternoon meetup they spent awkwardly back a few years ago, he knows the deal is the deal and he must make sure that pizza arrives safely at its destination.  The movie culminates in an incredibly choreographed action sequence (choreographed by Aziz himself, trivia!) with Aziz using his Heelys to his advantage to zip zap and zoop around his foes, and in the end save the pizza. He delivers the pizza to residence. It turns out it is for a bunch of dudes playing xbox and they invite him in to play. Its a pretty sweet deal.

THE BROWN JOB

The Brown Job is a fun heist movie the entire family can enjoy!  Aziz plays the most self satisfying role of his career as Handsome Aziz.  Him and a group of unexpected experts in their respective fields intend to heist an entire crop of parsnips from a kind gentle old farmer down the street.  But they can’t just walk right in and take the parsnips.  Handsome Aziz plays the dirt specialist who always has a clever comment regarding his indian heritage.  The jokes, while poking fun at many racial stereotypes, are well maintained within a level of classiness that has become expected of Aziz (in the future).   Everything with the heist goes wrong, all of Aziz’s friends and family are shot dead execution style in front of him by a band of rogue misfits (trust me, it makes more sense in the movie).  The twist in the end is that Aziz used his clever dirt manipulation skills to disguise the families of those in the band of rogue misfits (that is actually their name, they are actually pretty militant in style and don’t mess around) as his own family.  In the end the loot is Aziz’s. He blogs about it.

CELLULAR 2: UNLIMITED TEXT PLAN

This one is pretty much just Aziz texting his brother and his cousin for about 3 hours and 40 minutes.  It has its moments, such as when Aziz’s brother texts him to tell him to log on xbox live to check his gamerscore, but Aziz responds “can’t right now, making a movie”.  There is a moment of suspense when his reception goes down to one bar, and then again when his battery gets low.  I don’t want to spoil the future for you, but this movie won awards.  We are talking like Titanic awards.

CRANK 3: HEART OF GOLD

In Crank 3, Aziz takes over the role of Chev Chelios.  At the end of Crank 2 as we all know, Chev Chelios gets zapped one too many times and the high voltage ends up shrinking his body and changing the hue of his skin tone.  It looks like he is dead, but guess what, he wasn’t!  In fact the Singapoean mafia found him right after he didn’t die and needed to hide a giant brick of gold to avoid taxes (in the future, the only mafia is Singaporean and they are relatively crime free except for a bit of tax evasion here and there. Oh and they downloaded season 3 of Friends off a bit torrent site once. But they liked it enough that they bought it on DVD). The mafia replaces Chev Chelios’ zapped electric heart with the brick of gold.   Chev quickly realizes that in order to live he has to make sure the monetary value of gold continues to rise, because if it goes down he will quickly deteriorate.  Chev gets a job on wall street and he is pretty good at it, but he gets money greedy. When he realizes he can make a lot more money investing in non-gold ventures his heart begins to weaken.  But he got too greedy that he cares more about the money than his own health and well being. He dies in the end… or does he!!!  Oh, did I mention that he kicks the shit out of EVERYONE on the trading floor?  Because he does.  One scene with a stock ticker is especially enjoyable as he uses the ticker to not only choke his sworn enemies (also his co-workers) but to also paper maché himself unconventional weapons, like a paper maché toilet seat, and a paper maché electric guitar.  This movie rocks.  (…that was the slogan on the poster too)

IN THE NAME OF THE INTERNET: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE

Aziz is tasked with defending the entire internet from a rising force of undead bloggers.  This movie is set in the past (ie: the present!) and Aziz plays a 2009 character to the best of his abilities, which is difficult, but most agree he does OK with it. The nuances of 2009 are hard for any actor to nail down, but it was generally regarded to be the best rendition of the past anyone has done in the present (ie: the future).  The bloggers are trying to keep Aziz from getting on the internet.  I realize this doesn’t make sense in the present (ie: now) but in the future it does. Trust me.  Aziz uses emails and javascripts to fight off the zombies.  Again, that doesn’t make sense, but in the future email and javascripts have become actual physical objects, although rarely considered to be a weapon.  Aziz uses them as a weapon… in the name of the internet!

DEATH RACIST

In the future there are no race cars, however there are races.  Professionals who partake in races are referred to as Racists.  They speed around tracks in a race of racists to determine who is the raciest.  It partakes in a prison and is a modern adaptation (future adaptation) of an old classic.  The raciest racist in prison is promised their freedom in a race to the death. You can guess who is the raciest.  This one was actually kind of a flop.

So there you have it. The greatest works of the future have been chronicled for you, the reader. The future is Aziz. This is Azizology.

This is exciting, in my email today was the first opportunity I’ve ever had to be a media whore! The following is from an email I received from a marketing rep for Universal.

Hi Mark-
I know you’ve watched all the Statham movies possible, but have you been checking out the DVDs? I have some unreleased bonus feature clips from the upcoming Death Race DVD that you might enjoy analyzing too.
As I’m sure you know, the Death Race DVD will be released this Sunday 12/21.

Since my middle name is “sell out” and my second middle name is “seize the day”, I figured I’d bite.  So today I present you Bonus Feature: Bonus Feature-ology.  Or something like that.  I should probably have put more thought into the title.  All of the the “unreleased bonus feature clips” are publicly available on youtube and I’ve linked to each for your clicking pleasures.

Before you get started, I suggest you re-familiarize yourself with Death Race by reading my review of the Death Race trailer, which ended up being a surprisingly very accurate review of the actual movie.

Bonus Feature 1 - A Very Adult Form of Entertainment

Lesson Learned: In film, character development is of utmost importance.  To achieve this, cars must be on fire, cars must be shot at (not to be confused with cars with guns, a common amateur filmmaker misconception), and cars must flip.  All the gags are great but if you don’t have car fires, car gunfire, and car flips (fire optional) then it does not matter. Meet these stringent requirements of character development and your audience will be lured in.

However, don’t count on Statham being part of that audience, as he reveals that he is lured in mostly by “A Very Adult Form of Entertainment”.  Not just adult, but VERY adult.  The awkward emphasis of the word lure just drills the seediness home too.

Cars, guns, explosions, and a nice little taste of reverse footage close this one out.

Screenwriting Lessons Learned: 1
Dark Secrets Revealed: 1
Repeated Frames to Sync With Music: 6
Percentage of Total Footage Shown In Reverse: 3%

Bonus Feature 2 - Jason Statham in Death Race

Some dude talks about Statham’s qualities, and relates him to a young Bronson, Eastwood, or McQueen, thus making him good for the role.  I have to disagree. I would prefer to have related him to a human wrecking ball,  a fork lift, and a ballerina, combined if possible.

Mentions of Other Actors That Dude Wished Were in the Movie Instead of Statham: 5
Different Ways to Talk About Another Dude’s Body in a Totally Hetero Way: 13

Bonus Feature 3 - Tyrese Gets Tough

“I needed hard men to play that”

Ways of Saying Tyrese Fulfilled the Prototypical Black Man Role: 7
The word “hard”: 3
Too Early: 11:30am

Bonus Feature 4 - 3,2,1 Explosion

Shit blows up!

Number of Explosions: 14
Sequences of Numbers Where the Sum Equals the Product: 1
Slow Motion Drifting Through Puddles: 1
Failed Explosions: 2

Bonus Feature 5 - The Cars of Death Race

Further proof that cars are the heart of character development, to the point that the cars are the characters.  I’d go as far as to say that some of those cars had a tough veneer to them, reminded me of a young Bronson, Eastwood, or McQueen. But in all honesty, this video is what Pimp My Ride should have been from the start.

Stunt Drivers Saying ‘Vroom Vroom’: 1
German Cars Tied Into World War References: 1
Hot Ass Rims: 4
Way Too Awesome Boobs: 8

Bonus Feature 6 - Tyrese is a Big Softie

This one is just misleading. It starts out strong, with the promise of a cookie, but in the end leaves us unfulfilled.

Cookies: 0
Do I Know Who Joan Allen Is?: No

Bonus Feature 7 - Natalie Martinez in Death Race

If you bought the DVD and want to get a boner, this is a pretty good video to watch.  Highlighted by the fact that boobs are being shown off even more in the interview than in the actual movie.

Boobs: 2
Awkward Moments While Statham Talks About Girls: 7
Belly Buttons Checked for Lint: 1

Bonus Feature 8 - Death Race: No Ordinary Race

Hot chicks. What more do you need?

Hot chicks: 1
Airborne Vehicles: 4
Awkward Moments While Statham Talks About Girls: 3

Bonus Feature 9 - The Real Death Race

Some old dude and some dude with a mustache laugh over a burned up dead corpse.

Drawings of Cars: 3
Disfigurements: 1
How Many Firemen Does it Take to Extinguish 0 Fires?: 4

So we know the rules:

1. Don’t blow up Statham’s Car.
2. Don’t feed a juicebox to the package.
3. Cover yourself in grease.

Simple rules that make Frank Martin the king of the transportation business. This is why he is still around for The Transporter 2!

This time we don’t beat around the bush and get straight to the action right away. A hot babe with hot boobs tries to lure Old Franky out of his car. Not happenin’, baby. Clearly you don’t know much about the rules of transportation. It’s a very precise business.

Oh shit, a gun! Now you know this girl is for serious.

You don’t want to do this.

He obliges only because he knows that this hot bitch and her crew of four huge black dudes are just primed for a beating. Man, they were really looking forward to that gang bang in Statham’s new AUDI A8 W12! More on the AUDI A8 W12 later though!

Hold on, this just came out of the dry cleaners.

Pretty standard beat down, some fancy fake-out knife work, but nothing too special. Of course our man Franky is a gentleman and would never harm woman, even if she is a dumb bitch.

Don’t you have some homework to do?

Not going to lie, some pretty strong stathamisms right off the start! We are onto a good thing here. Statham heads out to pick up today’s package. This time it is a small child who won’t shut the fuck up.

Don’t you have some homework to do?

Alas, it is Friday, and he doesn’t have any homework to do. If only our busty friend from earlier had the wit of this child.

Tennis balls are yellow.

Can you get any better Stathamisms? At this pace we won’t even need any hose fights, his stand-up routine is carrying this movie! Package #2 is Frank’s old cop friend from France.

He’s not really a friend, he’s french.

This is what we call in the biz ‘killing it’, and today Statham is killing the shit out of it. After some pointless plot and romantic climaxing the action continues. Statham dodges some bullets, fends of a skeletal attack, and builds a homemade rocket. All in a days work as a professional transporter.

Let’s save the fun for later.

After destroying about some 40 odd police cruisers in his brand new AUDI A8 W12 Statham jumps a few buildings and delivers the package against his own good will. This delivery has an awesome reward though.

A big sloppy wet lick on the face! Awesome rewards.

Is that what passes for wit?

Occasionally you have to deal with a bomb attached to your car. Easy. I suggest ramping nearby a crane so you do a barrel roll and knock the bomb off with the dangling hook just moments before it detonates. Also your AUDI A8 W12 has awesome suspension for both tight handling and soft landings.

Audi’s are indestructible!

My favorite part of this cubicle is the clipboard with general information on kidnapping and extortion. Nothing specific, but just run of the mill general information.

Back on his way Franky decides the best way to catch a land-travelling vehicle is to commandeer a Sea-doo. Naturally there is a smokin hot chick on it. It’s cool, she can come along for the ride. In a panic she asks what The Statham is doing.

I’m trying to catch a bus.

Aren’t we all? Indeed. After a pretty basic jump onto land and into a bus, Frank’s new hot friend is left like all the other girls in his life, wanting more.

You know what would be awesome in a fight scene?

That’s right, more grease. But you know what is even more lethal than grease?

WATERMELON HANDS!

WATERMELON HANDS!

WATERMELON HANDS!

Wow, I’m not even sure why the movie needs to continue after that. Sure jumping a head-on collision is braggable, but not without watermelon hand unfortunately.

Finally we get to a garage full of gun-toting bad guys. I’ll bet Statham wished he had his watermelon hands now. The bad guys are out of ammo, so they all grab the conveniently located fire axes and samurai swords. They must have a lot of fires and showdowns in this little garage.

Luckily there is a set of well placed uneven bars to help the good fight. The fun thing about the uneven bars is that they can be disassembled into a handy polearm.

The fun part about bad guys is that you can fit 6 of them in a single dumpster.

Finally the bad guys with loaded weapons show up, and there is no pommel horse around to save Statham this time. Man, he sure wishes he held onto those watermelon hands. Well I guess we have the next best thing.

Fire hose!!

FIRE HOSE!!

I don’t even care about the whole hostage situation anymore, this movie is as good as climaxed! I mean the movie goes on, bitches die, Statham boards a plane taking off through the landing gear, big fight with no pilot, crashing into water, fighting some more, awesome CGI underwater airplane graphics, and underwater fighting. Standard procedure.

Overall Statham Rating: 10 watermelon hands out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 10/10
If Statham wasn’t in a scene, he was either on the phone or the scene was about figuring out why Statham wasn’t in that scene. This is 87 straight minutes of Statham glory.

Stathamisms: 8/10
While the first 15 minutes are basically highly concentrated Stathamagic, the stand-up routine dies out as the action heats up. I’m going to go ahead and count Watermelon Hands as a figurative Stathamism too.

Hard Action: 10/10
Watermelon hands, fire hose, grease, boats, buses, sea-doo’s, antidotes, AUDI A8 W12’s, and watermelon hands make up for the greatest hard action we have yet seen.

Up next we revisit the cast from the cult favorite Cellular in the guaranteed thriller London

I was telling a friend about the Stathamology series the other day and he mentioned “You know what movie I think you would like? Death Race 2000.” I let out a guffaw as he didn’t realize how on point his analysis was. Then I proceeded to inform him of the Death Race sequel. “Well that just straight up makes sense.”

So here you go, a special bonus for the growing Stathamology fanbase out there… Stathamology: Death Race: The Trailer!

Welcome to what appears to be the future, where the sky is always hazy, and reality TV has finally taken over sports. This is a world I want to be living in! The rules of the death race are simple: win and get your freedom, or die trying.

They say Statham used to race Nascar, so you know his left turning skills are going to be top notch! However they also say he killed his wife, so you know he hates women. Or maybe he loved her to death. Hating bitches is not typical Statham, so perhaps something is up. I don’t want to spoil the entire movie for you, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he did not in fact kill his wife. Making a bitch shut up is one thing, but killing a bitch is not part of his game plan. So we now know all of the plot necessary in this movie. It is ass kicking time.

What will he use this time around? More fire hoses and bicycle clips? No sir, the absurdity has been raised a level. Say hello to modern weaponry at its finest: lunch trays!

Next we find out that each driver gets a female inmate as their co-pilot. Naturally all of them are smoking hot. It is prison, what else do you expect except for really really hot 18-23 year old models. They are spending time in jail for having way too awesome boobs, clearly.

Later on in the trailer Statham is speaking to the warden, who also happens to be an aged hot babe, just like real life prison. He suggests that it was no coincidence that he was incarcerated at this prison. Ok, so now we know literally ALL of the plot. This is good, so when we watch the actual movie, we won’t have to bother ourselves with it!

A couple more beatdowns and some more racing scenes later, Statham is victorious, much to the dismay of the warden.

Oh, and then he bones his super hot co-pilot. Dude, she’s so hot. But such is the life of racing cars in prison. Sex, guns, and fast cars. Chalk this one up in the “prison kicks ass” column.

Will Statham manage to best his previous incarcerated masterpiece of Monk in Mean Machine? I won’t count on it, but I’ll bet he kills a lot of dudes and makes out with several smokin’ hot babes. Not his wife though. She’s dead, man. Get over it.

Ever have one of those really dumb ideas that are so dumb, that you laugh about it with your friends for 15 minutes and then never mention it again?  This movie was the result of one of those moment.  It’s like the movie Speed except instead of a bus you have a cell phone, and instead of not being able to go below 50MPH you cannot hang up.  Brilliant.

First things first, is this an actual movie? Or is it just a really long drawn out Nokia commercial?  I’m going to assume it is the latter.

Statham takes the stage in this commercial as a kidnapper.  He has kidnapped some woman.  We have no idea why, nor do we care.  Really all we want to know is how many times is Statham going to have to slap a bitch before she shuts up.

Slap a bitch with a sledgehammer more like it.

In the first Nokia moment, Statham smashes the land line phone. Clearly this is getting the message across that you really do not need a land line any more, so you should smash it with a sledgehammer.  He is untethering his rigid connection to the tied down world of landline based telecommunications.  All he needs is his Nokia now.  Shit, I’m sold. Where’s my sledgehammer?

Oh hey, whats up Mr. Show’s John Ennis!  You can sell me a Nokia mobile handset any day!

Statham is detained at LAX, I wonder if this happens before or after bumping into Tom Cruise.

I hope you weren’t reading this with high expectations of a plethora of Stathamisms.  We almost get one when he threatens to finally kill a bitch after she’s had enough slapping around.

Your call. It’s an 85 cent bullet to me.

Is ammo really that expensive?  If you were to unload a full eight rounds to shut a bitch up, or maybe to secure a shipment of Nokia N95’s, we are talking like $7 worth of ammo.  Lets say this is your business and you have to shut multiple bitches up and make numerous unauthorized acquisitions of bulk Nokia goods in the run of a day, we are talking a big expense.  I guess the point of what Statham is trying to say here is that 85 cents for the bullet is very expensive compared to the long distance rates you can get with a new Nokia cell phone!

In this next shot, Statham is talking to Nokia’s stellar customer service. Not because he is having phone issues, nor because the phone is too complicated and he needs to support, but instead he just wants to talk to a friendly nice person who genuinely cares.

A Nokia phone gets dropped about 5 stories onto a hard surface.  Does it break?  Of course it does, it is still cell phone. While Nokia stands behind the durability of their products 100%, proper maintenance and care for your handheld device must still be employed.

One hour and five minutes into the movie, after the cell phone call is lost, our genius super star protagonist realizes his Nokia phone has caller ID which remembers the last 50 incoming calls.  Way to go dummy.  Every new Nokia phone comes with a caller ID memory, which is very handy in the case of a kidnapping gone awry.

Statham gives a call to his mom, because on his Nokia phone he has the option to go with whatever carrier he chooses, so he can talk as long as he wants… or as long as SHE wants. Ha ha ha, oh my!  Nokia!

Nokia phones have great reception, even up on the hills outside of the city.  With no long term contracts to tie you down, you can have all the freedom you can imagine!

Statham and his band of bad cops try to track down the kid. His partner cannot find him, Statham retorts:

He’s the one on the cell phone, you idiot.

Jokes on them, every dude is on a cell phone now.  With such great rates and low cost Nokia handsets, now is a better time then ever to become a Nokia cell phone user!  At work, at the beach, in the car, you can use a Nokia anywhere!

Head butt time!

God that felt good.

Eventually we finally get a beat down.  It’s an ok beatdown, highlighted by a wedgie.

Dammit, I was going to include a wedgie in my screenplay “Tickling Competition”!  Alas the wedgies just end up leading to another weak gun fight.

Finally Statham dies, thanks to the great reception on a Nokia cell phone.  Even when underground or in a remote location, you can assure you will get the crystal clear reception needed to make those important phone calls to thwart your gun toting enemies.

Overall Statham Rating: 3 Nokia ads out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 5/10
Statham is the main bad guy, he is even seen using a land line on several occasions.  Nokia cleverly used the negative stereotype attached to antagonists to help portray a positive image for their products.  Naturally for the balance of things, there was enough Statham to go around. However his character seemed like version two of his Turn It Up drug dealer.  Not exactly the best choice to model your character from.  I do appreciate the choice to replace Ja Rule with Kim Basinger though.

Stathamisms: 2/10
Considering the ample amount of Statham, there are minimal Stathamisms. Not to mention the Stathamisms we get are nowheres close to grade A, or even grade B Stathamisms.  C- at best.

Hard Action: 5/10
Plenty of gun fights, but the action is highlighted with headbutts, wedgies, and just dealin’ with bitches. The action gets close to being awesome everytime, but then is let down with weak gun fire or what we call in the biz as “letting the bitch live”.

Up next we are bringing back the hose fights in The Transporter 2

Every actor has one movie that defines their career. Sometimes an actor has such a career defining role that it also defines their life, their dreams, their destiny. I like to think that Collateral is that movie for Jason Statham.

Statham bumps into Tom Cruise in the airport, and they swap bags.

Enjoy L.A.

That is all.

Overall Statham Rating: 0 bag swaps out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 0/10
He is basically not in this movie. I hope he at least got paid for that 10 second bit.

Stathamisms: 1/10
He tells Tom Cruise to enjoy L.A. I cannot tell if it is sarcasm or not, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that it is.

Hard Action: 0/10
After long and hard deliberation, I have decided that bumping into someone in the airport does not count as hard action.

NOTE: It should be pointed out that IMDB has Statham’s character in this movie crosslisted as Frank Martin, ie: THE TRANSPORTER. I cannot confirm the validity of this information as he is only credited as “Airport Man” in the actual film credits on the DVD, but he does appear to transport a bag to Tom Cruise. I only know one man for that kind of precise transportation job.

Either way we have Cellular up next.

Continuing with the southern European theme, we have The Italian Job. A delightful romp about a heist that goes perfect. Until it goes wrong! Uh oh!

Statham plays ‘Handsome Rob’ the driver. No way any girl could ever drive better than him. Don’t even think about it. And when it comes to sex?

Unlike you, my friend, I don’t need a guidebook.

Now we can see why they call him Handsome Rob. Clearly he already read the guidebook numerous times and got his Bachelors degree in Handsomeness. Reading between the lines, Statham is very clearly using this clever line to remind you “Stay in school”. What a role model!

Statham drives boats like a champ.

He drives them so hard that the crew ends up in the Austrian Alps. Whaat? Oh, of course. They had to go to Austria to discuss what they are going to spend their winnings on.

I’m just thinking about naked girls in leather seats.

Naturally.

Suppose I’d get the Aston Martin Vanquish. There’s not a lot a girl won’t do on the passenger seat of one of those things.

This would be a good thing if you run into traffic.

It’s either bad traffic, peak traffic, or slit-your-wrist traffic. You know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.

You know what happens when Pete from 30 Rock holds up traffic? Statham honks at him. That’s all. His name is Handsome Rob, not Violent Rob unfortunately. Not that I’d want to harm Pete!

On the topic of mixing business with pleasure.

He should know better, only I’m allowed to do that.

The rules are harsh, but rules are rules. Only Statham is allowed to mix business with pleasure. Sorry, everybody.

The movie goes from reality to crazy real fast, when we learn that a girl can outdrive Statham. Whaat? I’m not buying it. Unless he is trying to get in her pants (good reason) this part of the movie belongs in the Science Fiction bin. Not even Science Fiction. More like stupid fiction. Impossible-never-would-ever-happen-ever fiction.

Either Statham gets in her pants or this movie is done.

This movie is done. At least he gets his car in the end.

Overall Statham Rating: 6 panty removers out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 6/10
You get plenty of Statham as his supporting character and a few excellent Statham-centric scenes. He’s a part of the team, and isn’t this really a team-based movie? No. It is about Marky Mark getting with Charlize Theron.

Stathamisms: 7/10
Everything that comes out of Statham’s mouth is pretty good. If only he piped up more often we’d have a winner!

Hard Action: 5/10
We have a cool boat chase and a fun car chase. These count for something, but at no point do we witness any backflips, grease fights, or fire hose fights. I guess he’s gotta keep handsome for the ladies.

Up next we get to see the sparks fly when Tom Cruise and Statham meet up in Collateral.

Breath a sigh of relief. Finally, Statham gets his own movie! All of our grease dreams are about to come to fruition.

Statham is The Transporter. He transports things. He is awesome at transporting things. How is he so good? He has strict rules, thats how.

Rules are meant to be broken.

Not mine.

Rule number 1: The deal is the deal!
Rule number 2: No names!
Rule number 3: Never look in the package!

Nooo! Don’t look in the package! Certain things happen when you look inside the package:

Sometimes the package needs to pee, so you keep the package on a leash so you don’t lose the package but then the package tricks you and gets away.

You don’t need your mouth to pee.

Have truer words ever been spoken? I don’t believe so. There are a lot of thing you don’t need your mouth for, but above all, you don’t need it to pee. Inspiring.

Sometimes when you break the rules you have to beat down on cops. Sometimes you just do that because you want to.

Sometimes when you break the rules you begin to feel compassion. Beware of feeling compassion! Compassion can only lead to one thing: More beat downs!

I have a confession to make. Every time someone knocks at my door and I look out the peephole, I always hope that it is Jason Statham about to kick in the door.

You’re like dog shit! You’re everywhere. Yeah. I know, you wanna pee. All you wanna do is pee.

Breaking the rules sometimes makes you fall in love with the package. As annoying as the package may be, you have no choice but to risk everything to keep the package safe.

Sometimes when you break the rules, you have a scene which is only you, on a dory, taking off your shirt. Some might consider this to be groundbreaking cinema. It is. The scene is rich in foreshadowing. He will not need a shirt again for the rest of the movie.

I have never known a container yard to not be full of gun fights and criminal activity. I have come to expect this. This is why shipyards rule so hard.

The best part about industrial fight scenes is using your environment to your advantage.

Oh no! Nobody can fight in grease! It’s impossible! It’s so slippery!

No wait, I know exactly what can be used to gain traction when fighting on grease!

Of course! Bicycle clips! Awesome. But what if the enemy has guns? Easy, just make a huge home run slide to avoid gun fire.

Sometimes when you break the rules your car breaks down and forces you to hijack an airplane.

I’m looking to do a little sightseeing.

Sorry, this plane is not for tourists.

I’m not a tourist.

Sometimes when you break the rules you have to put a truck on cruise control and fight in the cabin while very loosely steering it.

But sometimes, just sometimes when you break the rules you save two truckloads of illegal immigrant slaves. Kinda sucks because you really can’t afford to take care of that many slaves!

Overall Statham Rating: 9 grease fights out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 10/10
You really can’t get much more Statham. There may be 2 scenes in the entire movie that aren’t Statham intensive, but you know they are just setting up Statham to kick some ass. Hard.

Stathamisms: 7/10
While there are some rich moments about pee and poop, the Statham wit only makes scattered appearances. There are plenty of Stathamisms, but the Stathamism to Amount of Statham ratio was just not as high as it could have.

Hard Action: 10/10
Grease fights. Truck fights. Axe fights. Grease fights. Throw in a helping of awesome driving scenes and you have all the hard action you could hope for.

Up next we are about to get handsome with The Italian Job.

Finally, enough of the future, enough of America! We are back to Britain in Mean Machine. This is a pretty typical sports in prison movie, a direct Brittish adaptation of the Longest Yard. Vinnie Jones goes to jail, forms a team of inmates to play against the guards. I wonder who will win in the end!

Having said that, I am going to issue for the first time, a spoiler alert! Yes that is right, I am concerned about spoiling this movie. Not because of the plot (they win) but because the greatest part of the movie just happens to be what I am about to tell you all about, and it is awesome. You are about to witness pure Stathamagic. I doubt you will stop reading this because of the spoiler alert, so lets just get on with it.

It’s a solid 13 minutes before Statham shows up, as Monk. The insane inmate. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t communicate, however he shows a deep forlorn lost emotion. Something is missing in his heart, and apparently something is missing in his brain. He is Monk. This is going to be good. “Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands?”

“Maybe I should take up Karate” mentions Vinnie Jones, old man replies “Oh, that was before he took up karate.”

“Don’t mess with him, even when he’s all cuffed up,”

Awesome. So Statham is insane and a killing machine. Now it is time to watch him be awesome. Or maybe not because it is half an hour later in the movie before he is even mentioned again. The boys are making their little footsie squad when one of them suggests the Monk could play.

“Well they say he could have turned pro before he turned mad.”

So now we have a professional soccer playing insane madman killing machine? Good god, yes! Please!

When given the chance to finally talk, Monk chooses his words wisely.

Aye.

No.

Aye, I’m with ya.

His choice of as few words as possible just emphasize how awesome he is going to explode later on. No need for excessive Stathamisms, when your demeanor is all the Stathamism you need!

While he hasn’t shown any violent nature, instead just a quiet member of the football team, he maintains the pure facial expression of bottled up insanity.

Fast forward through some predictable plot to the actual game. What’s great about this movie is that the game makes up for about 1/3rd of the entire film. As a soccer fan you would be happy. The element of soccer is maintained with plenty of not-so-exciting moments, played very truthfully to the game. The violence is cranked up a notch, but the gameplay remains quite real! Well, except for Statham grounding it in considerable insanity.

Watch out for flying Stathams!

So Monk is playing in net, making some stops, playing it mostly cool when the guards get a free kick from in close. What happens next cannot be described in words, in screen shots, or even in an animated gif. You have to see this, what can only be described as “calm and calculated”. (Turn your sound on if you can, it is important)

Holy fucking balls! This may be the single greatest 15 seconds of cinema of all time. Go ahead, watch it again, I’ll wait.

Wow. That alone made this movie worth it and more. I was starting to feel like Monk had been underused in the movie, but no, he was being built up harder and harder.

Go ahead, watch it for a third time, it’s worth it. By far the greatest Statham moment we have witnessed thus far.

Alas, that was all in his head and in fact the therapy is working. As we move on in the game Vinnie Jones plays like crap, so someone has to step it up. My money is on the batshit crazy goalkeeper.

Only the best saves are also barrel rolls.

Holy shit drop kick save!

And a back flip for good measure!

Of course this is also all in his head. I’m going to go out and say it, Monk’s insanity has become the entire reason for this film to exist. It is no longer about soccer. It is no longer about a group of no-good-for-nothing criminals working together as a team to accomplish something great against all adversity. No. This is all about bottled up insanity in the mind of an almost-turned-pro-turned-mad-turned-killer goalkeeper.

While Statham has done a great job of keeping that madness bottled up in his incredible mind-flash-explosions, a little crazy is untapped onto the field. He gets the ball, and begins to dance with it in what appears to be an interpretative dance that is just simply beyond mere human comprehension. Unfortunately it costs them a goal. They’ll never win now!!

Sorry, my fault.

The cap is off now though, we’ve got a leaky bottle of crazy spraying all over the place.

This guy had it coming.

Along with the ball drop kick however comes superior goal tending. Monk saves the day and provides the momentum for ultimate victory

Go ahead, watch that video again.

Overall Statham Rating: 9 bottles of insanity out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 7/10
While Statham is suspiciously absent for the first 2/3rds of the movie, he makes up for it ten fold. His early appearances drive home his pure insanity, while he softens you up a bit later.. maybe he’s not so bad after all. Wrong. He’s every bit as mad as they made him out to be.

Stathamisms: 7/10
While there are no instant quotable Stathamisms in this film, the lack of speech is one of the greater Stathamisms yet. Stathamisms of pure insanity are made without any speech. The expression and the demeanour is as much of a Stathamism as any. Not to mention the Statham signature back flip makes a special guest appearance.

Hard Action: 8/10
The mental sequences during the soccer match more than make up for the lack of expected action for the rest of the film. The anticipation makes it worth all that much more than a million Ja Rule beat downs. Yes, the scene in the above video is on a fire-hose-grease-fight level. When I make the Stathamology greatest hits collection, we’ve got a serious contender.

Up next is the one and the only, The Transporter!