Stathamology Part 5: The One!
Stathamology May 13th. 2008, 11:54pm
In the future we can travel between parallel universes, or the multiverse as it is known in the future. Multiverse traveling is highly controlled. Those who choose to break multiverse law are hunted down by non other than Statham himself.
This movie is about Jet Li trying to kill all his parallel selves so he can channel all the power of the multiverse. The only person who can stop him? HIMSELF. But not without a little help from our good friend Jason Statham. His name is FUNSCH. Funsch. Awesome. Funsch wasn’t trained like most parallel universe hopping cops, he graduated from the school of badass motherfuckers. His partner reminds him that they are trying to apprehend the suspect, not assassinate him. Whatever.
Pro Tip: Traveling throughout the multiverse can ruin your make up.
Jet Li and Jet Li both evade Statham and company. We have a problem here.
Yeah, the real problem is procedure sucks…
Funsch stickin’ it to the man!
Statham provides a physics lesson on how the universes work. It was a moving speech. Hawking eat your heart out! Besides, look at his cell phone! iPhone eat your heart out!
Even when being held up, Statham can feel compassion for you.
Statham loves guns, but why are Jet Li’s still alive in this multiverse?
Don’t blame the tools.
Maybe Jet Li’s are still alive because they have the uncanny ability to grow motorcycles for hands!
Look out Statham! You have a Jet Li right behind you!
Careful… careful…
Dude! Awesome move!
Statham’s supernatural fighting abilities only go so far against multiple Jet Li’s, and eventually he falls down the stairs.
Ouch! That ought to put him out of commission for the next 15 minutes! It does.
He comes back to life after that terrible fall down the single flight of stairs. Eventually they all get caught in a wormhole. I hate it when that happens! Every time!!
Statham saves the day and the bad Jet Li gets sent to a penal colony. Tee hee, penal.
Overall Statham Rating: 4 quantum wormholes out of 10 (not an average)
Amount of Statham: 5/10
You get enough Statham to go around, but Jet Li hogs all the glory. Statham seems more like a crappy Bruce Willis than classic Statham.
Stathamisms: 2/10
Literally no Stathamisms worth noting. He has attitude but doesn’t let it show in his typical witty back flipping manners.
Hard Action: 4/10
There are some awesome fights bordering the line of ridiculousness you would expect from Statham in this movie. However, all that action is courtesy of Jet Li! Such a camera hog. Statham shoots some guns, drives around, and saves the multiverse, but never really while throwing it down.
Next up, enough of the future and enough of America in the future. Next time we are going back to Britain for Vinnie Jones and Mean Machine!
May 29th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
WE are doing a private screening of Jason statham’s new film “Death Race” on tuesday june 3rd in the west end london at 6:45 ( starting at 7:30). There are some guest seats and they are free, but you must contact me immediatly, as they will fill up quickly. e-mail me at…
maxlavilla@yahoo.co.uk
and I will get right back to you. Thanks
July 8th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Ahhh shock tactics by stathanism.
“In one universe you’re married to the same woman, in one you’re married to a different woman in another you’re married to a man.”
how is that not a quotable stathanism?
July 9th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Personally I didn’t like the character of Funsch, he was too, sloppy for a statham character.
January 28th, 2010 at 9:58 pm
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February 18th, 2010 at 10:04 am
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Robert