Finally, enough of the future, enough of America! We are back to Britain in Mean Machine. This is a pretty typical sports in prison movie, a direct Brittish adaptation of the Longest Yard. Vinnie Jones goes to jail, forms a team of inmates to play against the guards. I wonder who will win in the end!

Having said that, I am going to issue for the first time, a spoiler alert! Yes that is right, I am concerned about spoiling this movie. Not because of the plot (they win) but because the greatest part of the movie just happens to be what I am about to tell you all about, and it is awesome. You are about to witness pure Stathamagic. I doubt you will stop reading this because of the spoiler alert, so lets just get on with it.

It’s a solid 13 minutes before Statham shows up, as Monk. The insane inmate. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t communicate, however he shows a deep forlorn lost emotion. Something is missing in his heart, and apparently something is missing in his brain. He is Monk. This is going to be good. “Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands?”

“Maybe I should take up Karate” mentions Vinnie Jones, old man replies “Oh, that was before he took up karate.”

“Don’t mess with him, even when he’s all cuffed up,”

Awesome. So Statham is insane and a killing machine. Now it is time to watch him be awesome. Or maybe not because it is half an hour later in the movie before he is even mentioned again. The boys are making their little footsie squad when one of them suggests the Monk could play.

“Well they say he could have turned pro before he turned mad.”

So now we have a professional soccer playing insane madman killing machine? Good god, yes! Please!

When given the chance to finally talk, Monk chooses his words wisely.

Aye.

No.

Aye, I’m with ya.

His choice of as few words as possible just emphasize how awesome he is going to explode later on. No need for excessive Stathamisms, when your demeanor is all the Stathamism you need!

While he hasn’t shown any violent nature, instead just a quiet member of the football team, he maintains the pure facial expression of bottled up insanity.

Fast forward through some predictable plot to the actual game. What’s great about this movie is that the game makes up for about 1/3rd of the entire film. As a soccer fan you would be happy. The element of soccer is maintained with plenty of not-so-exciting moments, played very truthfully to the game. The violence is cranked up a notch, but the gameplay remains quite real! Well, except for Statham grounding it in considerable insanity.

Watch out for flying Stathams!

So Monk is playing in net, making some stops, playing it mostly cool when the guards get a free kick from in close. What happens next cannot be described in words, in screen shots, or even in an animated gif. You have to see this, what can only be described as “calm and calculated”. (Turn your sound on if you can, it is important)

Holy fucking balls! This may be the single greatest 15 seconds of cinema of all time. Go ahead, watch it again, I’ll wait.

Wow. That alone made this movie worth it and more. I was starting to feel like Monk had been underused in the movie, but no, he was being built up harder and harder.

Go ahead, watch it for a third time, it’s worth it. By far the greatest Statham moment we have witnessed thus far.

Alas, that was all in his head and in fact the therapy is working. As we move on in the game Vinnie Jones plays like crap, so someone has to step it up. My money is on the batshit crazy goalkeeper.

Only the best saves are also barrel rolls.

Holy shit drop kick save!

And a back flip for good measure!

Of course this is also all in his head. I’m going to go out and say it, Monk’s insanity has become the entire reason for this film to exist. It is no longer about soccer. It is no longer about a group of no-good-for-nothing criminals working together as a team to accomplish something great against all adversity. No. This is all about bottled up insanity in the mind of an almost-turned-pro-turned-mad-turned-killer goalkeeper.

While Statham has done a great job of keeping that madness bottled up in his incredible mind-flash-explosions, a little crazy is untapped onto the field. He gets the ball, and begins to dance with it in what appears to be an interpretative dance that is just simply beyond mere human comprehension. Unfortunately it costs them a goal. They’ll never win now!!

Sorry, my fault.

The cap is off now though, we’ve got a leaky bottle of crazy spraying all over the place.

This guy had it coming.

Along with the ball drop kick however comes superior goal tending. Monk saves the day and provides the momentum for ultimate victory

Go ahead, watch that video again.

Overall Statham Rating: 9 bottles of insanity out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 7/10
While Statham is suspiciously absent for the first 2/3rds of the movie, he makes up for it ten fold. His early appearances drive home his pure insanity, while he softens you up a bit later.. maybe he’s not so bad after all. Wrong. He’s every bit as mad as they made him out to be.

Stathamisms: 7/10
While there are no instant quotable Stathamisms in this film, the lack of speech is one of the greater Stathamisms yet. Stathamisms of pure insanity are made without any speech. The expression and the demeanour is as much of a Stathamism as any. Not to mention the Statham signature back flip makes a special guest appearance.

Hard Action: 8/10
The mental sequences during the soccer match more than make up for the lack of expected action for the rest of the film. The anticipation makes it worth all that much more than a million Ja Rule beat downs. Yes, the scene in the above video is on a fire-hose-grease-fight level. When I make the Stathamology greatest hits collection, we’ve got a serious contender.

Up next is the one and the only, The Transporter!