Breath a sigh of relief. Finally, Statham gets his own movie! All of our grease dreams are about to come to fruition.

Statham is The Transporter. He transports things. He is awesome at transporting things. How is he so good? He has strict rules, thats how.

Rules are meant to be broken.

Not mine.

Rule number 1: The deal is the deal!
Rule number 2: No names!
Rule number 3: Never look in the package!

Nooo! Don’t look in the package! Certain things happen when you look inside the package:

Sometimes the package needs to pee, so you keep the package on a leash so you don’t lose the package but then the package tricks you and gets away.

You don’t need your mouth to pee.

Have truer words ever been spoken? I don’t believe so. There are a lot of thing you don’t need your mouth for, but above all, you don’t need it to pee. Inspiring.

Sometimes when you break the rules you have to beat down on cops. Sometimes you just do that because you want to.

Sometimes when you break the rules you begin to feel compassion. Beware of feeling compassion! Compassion can only lead to one thing: More beat downs!

I have a confession to make. Every time someone knocks at my door and I look out the peephole, I always hope that it is Jason Statham about to kick in the door.

You’re like dog shit! You’re everywhere. Yeah. I know, you wanna pee. All you wanna do is pee.

Breaking the rules sometimes makes you fall in love with the package. As annoying as the package may be, you have no choice but to risk everything to keep the package safe.

Sometimes when you break the rules, you have a scene which is only you, on a dory, taking off your shirt. Some might consider this to be groundbreaking cinema. It is. The scene is rich in foreshadowing. He will not need a shirt again for the rest of the movie.

I have never known a container yard to not be full of gun fights and criminal activity. I have come to expect this. This is why shipyards rule so hard.

The best part about industrial fight scenes is using your environment to your advantage.

Oh no! Nobody can fight in grease! It’s impossible! It’s so slippery!

No wait, I know exactly what can be used to gain traction when fighting on grease!

Of course! Bicycle clips! Awesome. But what if the enemy has guns? Easy, just make a huge home run slide to avoid gun fire.

Sometimes when you break the rules your car breaks down and forces you to hijack an airplane.

I’m looking to do a little sightseeing.

Sorry, this plane is not for tourists.

I’m not a tourist.

Sometimes when you break the rules you have to put a truck on cruise control and fight in the cabin while very loosely steering it.

But sometimes, just sometimes when you break the rules you save two truckloads of illegal immigrant slaves. Kinda sucks because you really can’t afford to take care of that many slaves!

Overall Statham Rating: 9 grease fights out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 10/10
You really can’t get much more Statham. There may be 2 scenes in the entire movie that aren’t Statham intensive, but you know they are just setting up Statham to kick some ass. Hard.

Stathamisms: 7/10
While there are some rich moments about pee and poop, the Statham wit only makes scattered appearances. There are plenty of Stathamisms, but the Stathamism to Amount of Statham ratio was just not as high as it could have.

Hard Action: 10/10
Grease fights. Truck fights. Axe fights. Grease fights. Throw in a helping of awesome driving scenes and you have all the hard action you could hope for.

Up next we are about to get handsome with The Italian Job.