Continuing with the southern European theme, we have The Italian Job. A delightful romp about a heist that goes perfect. Until it goes wrong! Uh oh!

Statham plays ‘Handsome Rob’ the driver. No way any girl could ever drive better than him. Don’t even think about it. And when it comes to sex?

Unlike you, my friend, I don’t need a guidebook.

Now we can see why they call him Handsome Rob. Clearly he already read the guidebook numerous times and got his Bachelors degree in Handsomeness. Reading between the lines, Statham is very clearly using this clever line to remind you “Stay in school”. What a role model!

Statham drives boats like a champ.

He drives them so hard that the crew ends up in the Austrian Alps. Whaat? Oh, of course. They had to go to Austria to discuss what they are going to spend their winnings on.

I’m just thinking about naked girls in leather seats.

Naturally.

Suppose I’d get the Aston Martin Vanquish. There’s not a lot a girl won’t do on the passenger seat of one of those things.

This would be a good thing if you run into traffic.

It’s either bad traffic, peak traffic, or slit-your-wrist traffic. You know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.

You know what happens when Pete from 30 Rock holds up traffic? Statham honks at him. That’s all. His name is Handsome Rob, not Violent Rob unfortunately. Not that I’d want to harm Pete!

On the topic of mixing business with pleasure.

He should know better, only I’m allowed to do that.

The rules are harsh, but rules are rules. Only Statham is allowed to mix business with pleasure. Sorry, everybody.

The movie goes from reality to crazy real fast, when we learn that a girl can outdrive Statham. Whaat? I’m not buying it. Unless he is trying to get in her pants (good reason) this part of the movie belongs in the Science Fiction bin. Not even Science Fiction. More like stupid fiction. Impossible-never-would-ever-happen-ever fiction.

Either Statham gets in her pants or this movie is done.

This movie is done. At least he gets his car in the end.

Overall Statham Rating: 6 panty removers out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 6/10
You get plenty of Statham as his supporting character and a few excellent Statham-centric scenes. He’s a part of the team, and isn’t this really a team-based movie? No. It is about Marky Mark getting with Charlize Theron.

Stathamisms: 7/10
Everything that comes out of Statham’s mouth is pretty good. If only he piped up more often we’d have a winner!

Hard Action: 5/10
We have a cool boat chase and a fun car chase. These count for something, but at no point do we witness any backflips, grease fights, or fire hose fights. I guess he’s gotta keep handsome for the ladies.

Up next we get to see the sparks fly when Tom Cruise and Statham meet up in Collateral.