Ever have one of those really dumb ideas that are so dumb, that you laugh about it with your friends for 15 minutes and then never mention it again?  This movie was the result of one of those moment.  It’s like the movie Speed except instead of a bus you have a cell phone, and instead of not being able to go below 50MPH you cannot hang up.  Brilliant.

First things first, is this an actual movie? Or is it just a really long drawn out Nokia commercial?  I’m going to assume it is the latter.

Statham takes the stage in this commercial as a kidnapper.  He has kidnapped some woman.  We have no idea why, nor do we care.  Really all we want to know is how many times is Statham going to have to slap a bitch before she shuts up.

Slap a bitch with a sledgehammer more like it.

In the first Nokia moment, Statham smashes the land line phone. Clearly this is getting the message across that you really do not need a land line any more, so you should smash it with a sledgehammer.  He is untethering his rigid connection to the tied down world of landline based telecommunications.  All he needs is his Nokia now.  Shit, I’m sold. Where’s my sledgehammer?

Oh hey, whats up Mr. Show’s John Ennis!  You can sell me a Nokia mobile handset any day!

Statham is detained at LAX, I wonder if this happens before or after bumping into Tom Cruise.

I hope you weren’t reading this with high expectations of a plethora of Stathamisms.  We almost get one when he threatens to finally kill a bitch after she’s had enough slapping around.

Your call. It’s an 85 cent bullet to me.

Is ammo really that expensive?  If you were to unload a full eight rounds to shut a bitch up, or maybe to secure a shipment of Nokia N95’s, we are talking like $7 worth of ammo.  Lets say this is your business and you have to shut multiple bitches up and make numerous unauthorized acquisitions of bulk Nokia goods in the run of a day, we are talking a big expense.  I guess the point of what Statham is trying to say here is that 85 cents for the bullet is very expensive compared to the long distance rates you can get with a new Nokia cell phone!

In this next shot, Statham is talking to Nokia’s stellar customer service. Not because he is having phone issues, nor because the phone is too complicated and he needs to support, but instead he just wants to talk to a friendly nice person who genuinely cares.

A Nokia phone gets dropped about 5 stories onto a hard surface.  Does it break?  Of course it does, it is still cell phone. While Nokia stands behind the durability of their products 100%, proper maintenance and care for your handheld device must still be employed.

One hour and five minutes into the movie, after the cell phone call is lost, our genius super star protagonist realizes his Nokia phone has caller ID which remembers the last 50 incoming calls.  Way to go dummy.  Every new Nokia phone comes with a caller ID memory, which is very handy in the case of a kidnapping gone awry.

Statham gives a call to his mom, because on his Nokia phone he has the option to go with whatever carrier he chooses, so he can talk as long as he wants… or as long as SHE wants. Ha ha ha, oh my!  Nokia!

Nokia phones have great reception, even up on the hills outside of the city.  With no long term contracts to tie you down, you can have all the freedom you can imagine!

Statham and his band of bad cops try to track down the kid. His partner cannot find him, Statham retorts:

He’s the one on the cell phone, you idiot.

Jokes on them, every dude is on a cell phone now.  With such great rates and low cost Nokia handsets, now is a better time then ever to become a Nokia cell phone user!  At work, at the beach, in the car, you can use a Nokia anywhere!

Head butt time!

God that felt good.

Eventually we finally get a beat down.  It’s an ok beatdown, highlighted by a wedgie.

Dammit, I was going to include a wedgie in my screenplay “Tickling Competition”!  Alas the wedgies just end up leading to another weak gun fight.

Finally Statham dies, thanks to the great reception on a Nokia cell phone.  Even when underground or in a remote location, you can assure you will get the crystal clear reception needed to make those important phone calls to thwart your gun toting enemies.

Overall Statham Rating: 3 Nokia ads out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 5/10
Statham is the main bad guy, he is even seen using a land line on several occasions.  Nokia cleverly used the negative stereotype attached to antagonists to help portray a positive image for their products.  Naturally for the balance of things, there was enough Statham to go around. However his character seemed like version two of his Turn It Up drug dealer.  Not exactly the best choice to model your character from.  I do appreciate the choice to replace Ja Rule with Kim Basinger though.

Stathamisms: 2/10
Considering the ample amount of Statham, there are minimal Stathamisms. Not to mention the Stathamisms we get are nowheres close to grade A, or even grade B Stathamisms.  C- at best.

Hard Action: 5/10
Plenty of gun fights, but the action is highlighted with headbutts, wedgies, and just dealin’ with bitches. The action gets close to being awesome everytime, but then is let down with weak gun fire or what we call in the biz as “letting the bitch live”.

Up next we are bringing back the hose fights in The Transporter 2