I was telling a friend about the Stathamology series the other day and he mentioned “You know what movie I think you would like? Death Race 2000.” I let out a guffaw as he didn’t realize how on point his analysis was. Then I proceeded to inform him of the Death Race sequel. “Well that just straight up makes sense.”

So here you go, a special bonus for the growing Stathamology fanbase out there… Stathamology: Death Race: The Trailer!

Welcome to what appears to be the future, where the sky is always hazy, and reality TV has finally taken over sports. This is a world I want to be living in! The rules of the death race are simple: win and get your freedom, or die trying.

They say Statham used to race Nascar, so you know his left turning skills are going to be top notch! However they also say he killed his wife, so you know he hates women. Or maybe he loved her to death. Hating bitches is not typical Statham, so perhaps something is up. I don’t want to spoil the entire movie for you, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he did not in fact kill his wife. Making a bitch shut up is one thing, but killing a bitch is not part of his game plan. So we now know all of the plot necessary in this movie. It is ass kicking time.

What will he use this time around? More fire hoses and bicycle clips? No sir, the absurdity has been raised a level. Say hello to modern weaponry at its finest: lunch trays!

Next we find out that each driver gets a female inmate as their co-pilot. Naturally all of them are smoking hot. It is prison, what else do you expect except for really really hot 18-23 year old models. They are spending time in jail for having way too awesome boobs, clearly.

Later on in the trailer Statham is speaking to the warden, who also happens to be an aged hot babe, just like real life prison. He suggests that it was no coincidence that he was incarcerated at this prison. Ok, so now we know literally ALL of the plot. This is good, so when we watch the actual movie, we won’t have to bother ourselves with it!

A couple more beatdowns and some more racing scenes later, Statham is victorious, much to the dismay of the warden.

Oh, and then he bones his super hot co-pilot. Dude, she’s so hot. But such is the life of racing cars in prison. Sex, guns, and fast cars. Chalk this one up in the “prison kicks ass” column.

Will Statham manage to best his previous incarcerated masterpiece of Monk in Mean Machine? I won’t count on it, but I’ll bet he kills a lot of dudes and makes out with several smokin’ hot babes. Not his wife though. She’s dead, man. Get over it.