So we know the rules:

1. Don’t blow up Statham’s Car.
2. Don’t feed a juicebox to the package.
3. Cover yourself in grease.

Simple rules that make Frank Martin the king of the transportation business. This is why he is still around for The Transporter 2!

This time we don’t beat around the bush and get straight to the action right away. A hot babe with hot boobs tries to lure Old Franky out of his car. Not happenin’, baby. Clearly you don’t know much about the rules of transportation. It’s a very precise business.

Oh shit, a gun! Now you know this girl is for serious.

You don’t want to do this.

He obliges only because he knows that this hot bitch and her crew of four huge black dudes are just primed for a beating. Man, they were really looking forward to that gang bang in Statham’s new AUDI A8 W12! More on the AUDI A8 W12 later though!

Hold on, this just came out of the dry cleaners.

Pretty standard beat down, some fancy fake-out knife work, but nothing too special. Of course our man Franky is a gentleman and would never harm woman, even if she is a dumb bitch.

Don’t you have some homework to do?

Not going to lie, some pretty strong stathamisms right off the start! We are onto a good thing here. Statham heads out to pick up today’s package. This time it is a small child who won’t shut the fuck up.

Don’t you have some homework to do?

Alas, it is Friday, and he doesn’t have any homework to do. If only our busty friend from earlier had the wit of this child.

Tennis balls are yellow.

Can you get any better Stathamisms? At this pace we won’t even need any hose fights, his stand-up routine is carrying this movie! Package #2 is Frank’s old cop friend from France.

He’s not really a friend, he’s french.

This is what we call in the biz ‘killing it’, and today Statham is killing the shit out of it. After some pointless plot and romantic climaxing the action continues. Statham dodges some bullets, fends of a skeletal attack, and builds a homemade rocket. All in a days work as a professional transporter.

Let’s save the fun for later.

After destroying about some 40 odd police cruisers in his brand new AUDI A8 W12 Statham jumps a few buildings and delivers the package against his own good will. This delivery has an awesome reward though.

A big sloppy wet lick on the face! Awesome rewards.

Is that what passes for wit?

Occasionally you have to deal with a bomb attached to your car. Easy. I suggest ramping nearby a crane so you do a barrel roll and knock the bomb off with the dangling hook just moments before it detonates. Also your AUDI A8 W12 has awesome suspension for both tight handling and soft landings.

Audi’s are indestructible!

My favorite part of this cubicle is the clipboard with general information on kidnapping and extortion. Nothing specific, but just run of the mill general information.

Back on his way Franky decides the best way to catch a land-travelling vehicle is to commandeer a Sea-doo. Naturally there is a smokin hot chick on it. It’s cool, she can come along for the ride. In a panic she asks what The Statham is doing.

I’m trying to catch a bus.

Aren’t we all? Indeed. After a pretty basic jump onto land and into a bus, Frank’s new hot friend is left like all the other girls in his life, wanting more.

You know what would be awesome in a fight scene?

That’s right, more grease. But you know what is even more lethal than grease?

WATERMELON HANDS!

WATERMELON HANDS!

WATERMELON HANDS!

Wow, I’m not even sure why the movie needs to continue after that. Sure jumping a head-on collision is braggable, but not without watermelon hand unfortunately.

Finally we get to a garage full of gun-toting bad guys. I’ll bet Statham wished he had his watermelon hands now. The bad guys are out of ammo, so they all grab the conveniently located fire axes and samurai swords. They must have a lot of fires and showdowns in this little garage.

Luckily there is a set of well placed uneven bars to help the good fight. The fun thing about the uneven bars is that they can be disassembled into a handy polearm.

The fun part about bad guys is that you can fit 6 of them in a single dumpster.

Finally the bad guys with loaded weapons show up, and there is no pommel horse around to save Statham this time. Man, he sure wishes he held onto those watermelon hands. Well I guess we have the next best thing.

Fire hose!!

FIRE HOSE!!

I don’t even care about the whole hostage situation anymore, this movie is as good as climaxed! I mean the movie goes on, bitches die, Statham boards a plane taking off through the landing gear, big fight with no pilot, crashing into water, fighting some more, awesome CGI underwater airplane graphics, and underwater fighting. Standard procedure.

Overall Statham Rating: 10 watermelon hands out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 10/10
If Statham wasn’t in a scene, he was either on the phone or the scene was about figuring out why Statham wasn’t in that scene. This is 87 straight minutes of Statham glory.

Stathamisms: 8/10
While the first 15 minutes are basically highly concentrated Stathamagic, the stand-up routine dies out as the action heats up. I’m going to go ahead and count Watermelon Hands as a figurative Stathamism too.

Hard Action: 10/10
Watermelon hands, fire hose, grease, boats, buses, sea-doo’s, antidotes, AUDI A8 W12’s, and watermelon hands make up for the greatest hard action we have yet seen.

Up next we revisit the cast from the cult favorite Cellular in the guaranteed thriller London