In a follow up to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels we have Statham’s break through appearance in Snatch. How much breaking through does he do? Well gets get right to it.

Again this movie starts off on a high point… another Statham monologue! That’s 2 for 2! This monologue doesn’t quite match the intensity of the last, but it’s still a very welcoming warm voice to start a movie. The kind of warm voice that says “Listen, remember when you were standing upright? Well guess what, you aren’t now because I slammed you in the face with a fire hose.”

This Stathamonologue introduces the fact that he is named after a plane crash. That’s right, a plane crash. If that doesn’t scream “hardcore grease fight” then I don’t know what does. This monologue for the first time shows Statham’s softer side, he has a friend, whom he cares about. Careful, buddy. Statham doesn’t make friends. He makes pain. Statham’s delightfully named character “Turkish” is just a boxing promoter, but what does he know about diamonds. What does he know about diamonds?

Shortly in you realise this is not an actual monologue, but instead a narrative. Clearly Statham is so omniscient that he is narrating his own story, not like most lame ass “telling a story from the past” narratives, but instead he is telling it in the present, as an all-seeing omniscient story-telling virtuoso.

And we’re off! It only take’s a few moments into the plot to catch our first pure, unadulterated Stathamism. His buddy questions some physical violence, our good friend reminds him “It’s an unliscensed boxing match. It’s not a tickling competition.” That would make a great title for a future Statham movie “It’s Not A Tickling Competition”.

Who took the jam out of Statham’s doughnut? You took the fucking jam out of Statham’s doughnut!

I know he looks like a fat fucker… well, he is a fat fucker.

Statham is a good guy, but if you don’t watch your back, he’ll steal your cigarette straight out of your mouth when you least expect it!

In one of the more disapointing scenes some douchebags sneak into Statham’s apartment. You can see the fire in his eyes, ready to open a barrel of domination on their asses, however he resists. That’s right, bottling it up. Perhaps having your arcade smashed in will open that bottle.

It starts out as a good ole’ Statham beatdown, but he gets outnumbered. This obviously didn’t go like it should have. I hope someone got fired over how poorly that scene was written! Perhaps it was meant as some sort of irony where really Statham wanted to get beat up, because otherwise it clearly makes no sense. Luckily it is made up for with some solid Stathamisms shortly after.

Don’t think I haven’t thunk about it.

It doesn’t get much deeper than that… until you resort to name calling.

Fuckface. I like that one, Harold. I’ll have to remember that one next time I’m climbing off your mom.

Reviewing that last one, not only does Statham insinuate that he may have had relations with Harold’s mom in the past as well as intent to have relations with her in the future, but he also insinuates a certain mom-girth that would require climbing off of. Championship Stathamism!

Sometimes if you ask a reasonable question you get the best answer in the history of questioning. Police officer asks “What’s in the car?”

Seats and a steering wheel.

Think about it. What we have here is not only a witty retort, but also a introspective reflection of ourselves. What do we have inside of us, aside from a seat and a steering wheel. Poetry. Simply poetry.

Overall Statham Rating: 7 tickling competitions out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 8/10.
Statham plays more of a lead character this time around, and also takes up the narrative duties. Still there are a few different story line threads that just don’t involve as much Statham as you may like. While there was an increase in total Statham, he was reduced in his back flip quota.

Stathamisms: 8/10.
By now everyone knows if you have something clever to say in your movie, you better have Statham say it. There is no lack of quality Stathamisms in this movie. Not only as dialog but also while in his omniscient all-seeing narrative Super-Statham mode.

Hard Action: 4/10.
We finally get a taste of what Statham can do with a baseball bat. His only action scene leaves the viewer with a tingly feeling of not only wanting more, but requiring more as a basic necessity of life. Self-actualization cannot be achieved without a greater fulfillment of Stathamagic.

Next up: Turn It Up.