Now before I get started, I thought I knew what I was getting into by doing this marathon. I would likely end up watching some terrible movies. However, little did I expect that I would end up watching the worst movie I have ever watched start to finish. Say hello to Turn It Up. Starring Pras from the Fugees and Ja Rule struggling to make a rap album while dealing with a life of crime, family problems, and unexpected pregnancies. It sounds incredibly awesome already doesn’t it?

Luckily this isn’t a movie review, this is Stathamology! Turn It Up is the first movie of Statham’s career where he is not the first person seen or heard in the movie. This is a bad sign. In fact you have to sit through eight painful minutes before we get to see our good friend. His name is B and he appears to be a garishly dressed drug traffic guy with an attitude.

Now that is a shirt and a half! Only Statham could pull that off and maintain a menacing drug overlord charisma.

Shortly after our rappers engage in a weak little firefight we get back to Statham’s sweet pad to get our first Stathamism.

I can’t believe that fucking little cockroach.

Now this isn’t the strongest Stathamism by a long shot, but I would like to say that I originally thought it was “I can’t believe that fucking little cunt rotch.” Now that would be a prime Grade-A Stathamism. I don’t even know if rotch is a word, but it sure sounds awesome. I’ll write that one down for the Statham movie I end up writing, Tickling Competition.

Every scene in this movie is somehow getting progressively worse than the last. Statham pops back up at a bar in a sweet white suit.

No Stathamisms or beat downs. Seriously, am I getting so desperate with this movie that I have to resort to just talking about what he is wearing. Ja Rule, you are killing me.

Dude, is that a hypercolor shirt? Badass!!

Finally after 52 minutes of torture we get a sweet Statham beatdown. Not only a beat down, but a beat down on Ja Rule. Thank god. Statham, you know exactly what I wanted to see. Thank you, fine sir.

Rule #1 Don’t steal money from Statham

Rule #2 If you do steal money from Statham, he is surprisingly forgiving if you invested it in a terrible rap album doomed to fail.

Rule #3 Statham likes his roast beef sliced thin. He’s got his own slicer.

Another painful 25 minutes go by, but we are rewarded for our extreme patience. That’s right another Statham beat down on Ja Rule. We almost get a decent Stathamism too.

So your gonna sign this piece of paper or I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out all over this table and use the contract to wipe up the mess.

It seems like a poorly written quip at first, but then if you look deeper into it, Statham is really making a huge gesture towards the entire business world, wiping up their figurative messes with pointless contracts. No wait, he isn’t. God damn this movie!

So Statham goes to claim the shitty rap album from the studio. At least we get some action out of it. First he uses fists.

Then he uses guns.

Sweet sidestep bunny hopping, Statham.

Then he dies.

At this point it is safe to stop watching the movie, as the writers forgot to include Statham’s uncanny ability to come back to life after suffering fatal wounds.

Overall Statham Rating: 2 shitty rap albums out of 10 (not an average)

Amount of Statham: 3/10
Statham is certainly the 3rd main character but most of his scenes are the exact same. Ja Rule is an idiot, Statham beats down upon his face.

Stathamisms: 1/10
I still think the subtitles people misinterpreted the script. He said cunt rotch. Otherwise this movie is entirely devoid of Stathamisms.

Hard Action: 4/10
A few good beat down scenes on Ja Rule were appreciated, however the flair was missing. The roast beef slicer could have been the highlight of action, but unfortunately did not get used appropriately. Read: on Ja Rule’s face. Gun fight at the end was weak, except for Statham’s constipated sidestep scuttle.

Next up what guarantees to be a doozy, Ghosts of Mars, a true story, from the future, of killer ghosts… on Mars.